Meet My New Friend Grief

So Grief has been hanging around more often the last few years, showing up unannounced and wearing out his welcome some days.  But he’s grown on me, and we’re sort of a thing now.  We had a couple of flings back in the day, but naturally his looks have changed in the last four decades and overall he is quite different from who I remembered.

His overnight visits became so frequent that he moved in last winter, and he has been an okay roommate.  He is a little sloppy: there are usually multiple pairs of shoes scattered around every room, and articles of clothing hang from almost every doorknob.  The paper clutter is also worse than it used to be both since he spends a lot of time reading, and he can’t seem to finish even simple administrative tasks.  But the dishes get done every few days and the trash usually goes out before it starts to stink, so I’m not going to complain.

Cooking is complicated because his appetite varies and his tastes are decidedly different from Ken’s.  Most days he grazes on leftovers or some nuts and berries from the fridge or pantry.  But sometimes I can’t keep ahead of him: he’ll eat a full meal and have dessert and second dessert and then move on to snackies.  After a few weeks living here he made a conscious decision to moderate his alcohol intake, which I appreciated.  Even so, there are times when he’ll go on a bit of a bender, which can be fun for a few hours but invariably ends up with him sulking either that night after I tell him he’s had enough, or the next morning if he didn’t heed that advice.

Grief insists on coming along when I run errands, although I lose track of him easily because he prefers to browse alone in the stores.  When we get separated, he finds it amusing to sneak up and startle me, but normally he’ll go out and wait in the car until I’m done.  In fact, he loves the car.  Not sure why, maybe he likes the feeling of security inherent in a small space, or the isolation, but he tends to be very chatty while I’m driving, and sometimes he is such a distraction I need to slow down or pull over and wait for him to finish.

He’s not a big fan of exercise so that is something I am able to do alone, and there is some relief in getting away from his constant presence.  I can be so focused on the moment during yoga or tennis that he decided those activities weren’t for him.  He enjoys going for walks though, since he realized I can simultaneously walk and pay him the attention he wants.        

Grief’s restlessness in bed is pretty annoying.  Most nights he has something to say right when I am drifting off, which means I am usually up later than I had planned.  He is also not apprehensive about waking me in the middle of the night if he thinks of something worth sharing.  Luckily he likes to linger in bed in the mornings, and he is also very fond of naps, so frequently I can fit in an extra hour of sleep during the daylight hours if he was particularly animated overnight.

The family isn’t too keen on him, which is strange because they have known him for almost as long as me.  To be fair, they don’t see all of his good qualities since  he tends to be reserved around others.  He also came on the scene when Ken was sick so maybe they have some bad associations with him and that time.  I think they are a little irritated that we spend so much time together, but that’s typical for a new relationship: we just want to be alone with each other.

My friends aren’t impressed with him either.  They almost never engage him in conversation, even if he speaks first.  I admit he can be unpredictable but he’s usually quiet, and is easy to subdue when he gets out of hand.  I can understand the reluctance to reach out since Grief doesn’t look very approachable, but it still feels a little rude.  He does have some friends of his own, but apparently they aren’t great about keeping in touch so I think they’ve grown apart.  He has a total crush on my therapist, I guess because she is always happy to see him and listens so carefully to everything he says when he joins me for a session.

I had some people over one night and they seemed uncomfortable when he popped in the room to say “hi”.  Not sure if they thought he should go out or at least sequester elsewhere in the house while they were visiting, but I couldn’t ask that of him.  After all this is where he lives, and he gets a little jealous if he’s excluded.  And once when I brought him to a gathering, people were so surprised to see him, they’d even forgotten his name.  Their aloofness made me think perhaps they heard some unflattering rumors about him and couldn’t get over that preconceived bias.  A few people said they’d like to get to know him in a smaller group setting or individually, but that kind of time commitment isn’t practical for us right now. In any case, he’s a decided introvert so if we are around others for any length of time, he is ready to retreat back to our house (or car) to recharge from the stimulation.

Grief and my husband had gotten pretty close over the last few years, so I think he feels an obligation to stand by me now that Ken is gone, which I understand and appreciate.  He has his faults, but I overlook them because it is better than being alone.  He is patient when I talk about how smart and funny Ken was and how much we enjoyed each other’s company and he never gets tired of listening to me relate memories.  Even though it’s hard to say how things will play out, I can’t see it being a long-term thing, mostly because of his clinginess and volatility, and from time to time he’s a selfish jerk. So I’m not taking any photos together.  But right now he’s the perfect companion for me, so I hope everyone can get to know him a little better.